I'm Torn

Between ambition and complacency. I've never been much of a risk taker. I don't know where along my lifeline my mentality became this way, I just remember always going by the book. I can just remember my parents losing two houses to foreclosure, and just struggling financially overall. I didn't get an allowance, and when I got older they wouldn't let me work (I know right.) So when I did get money from wherever I held it tight, so tight I was scared...no petrified to even let that loot out my sight! Who knows when I'd even see cream again I gotta make it last is what I'd say to myself. Fall clothes became winter & spring clothes. Don't even mention girlfriends, or dates. I'm lucky I even went to prom lol.

Comfort zones...they sure are comfortable. Sure they're a bit cozy, small if you will, and you can't fit all the shit you want to do and have in there. So why in the fuck is it so hard to move out? Things are changing around you and my little bubble, and I want a part of that change. New things, better things. Here I am though watching it pass by. My zone getting cluttered and musty with my fear. Febreeze don't get that shit out. Soul searching is in order.

Seven years is a long time. Ending a relationship after such a long time is....a lot of things. For a while you deny and can't believe it's over. You blame yourself and wonder what you could've done to prevent it, kicking yourself all the way. Then it's accepted that you have to start from the top again. But you don't....you sit in your comfort zone, eat ice cream and play XBox all day. You're safe here. Nobody here will hurt you, reject you, tell you you won't succeed. You're the shit in here. Everything you need is there, but not what you want and dream about when you close your eyes nightly.

You can't fail in your zone.

It's a huge world out there, I'm ready to see as much of it as I can. I'm going to make dreams real. Or at least try. I hope I can be patient with myself.