Buy These Games/Accessories If You Hate Your Children

Were you unable to back brain kick someone in the quest to save a few dollars on Black Friday?  Are you clueless to what to buy the gamer in your life?  Chill...your boy Brooks is on the case. With capitalism thick in the air, along with the aroma of burning credit card magnetic strips...I have a list.


Not just some sterile dry ass "Best of" list, what fun would that be? These "gifts" are a Christmas fate worse than socks or an Uwe Boll box set.

They should only be given if you want to revel in the look of disgust on a person's face as the gift wrap reveals a digital turd.  I guess if you're out to troll someone's Christmas, this is the guide to do so.

CTA Digital Boxing Gloves

Power gloves these are not.  For when you want to look like a complete badass, while looking like an idiot punching the air like Trey from "Boyz in the Hood"

The gloves features include "VELCRO­® and "the authentic feel and motion of being in a real boxing match"  Nothing screams authentic boxing like holding what looks like a Martian sex toy while wearing these gloves. On the bright side, you're got about 1/8th of your Dee-Jay costume for next Halloween.

 

PDP Afterglow Controller

Have you ever gone into your local electronics store in search of a controller and while skipping through the aisles you think "I need a controller that reminds me of this:" 

Every time you power up your console you'll be reminded of the Woman & Donkey show you saw in Tijuana and the herpes you caught.  It's not all bad at least it controls like a dream, and by dream I mean that cat who sings horribly.  You'd have better luck hot wiring two Atari 2600 controllers and using your feet.

Any licensed game not titled "Batman: Arkham City" or "Marvel vs. Capcom 3"

There is no country for half assed games, no matter the source material.  Publishers have swindled fans of Marvel, DC, Dragon Ball et al. for YEARS!  Simply put Arkham City is a masterpiece even if you're NOT a fan of the Dark Knight.  Meanwhile you have $60 coasters like "Thor" "Transformers Dark of the Moon" "Kung Fu Panda 2" "X-Men Destiny" "NCIS" "Green Lantern" "Harry Potter..." you get the idea. Hell, if you want to be a cheap ass, "Arkham Asylum" is $20 bucks or less.

Call of Juarez the Cartel

Call of Juarez the Cartel received a lot of media flak even before a trailer was released.  Lawmakers in the city of Chihuahua wanted the sale of this title to be banned in Mexico altogether.  After popping this game in your console, you will wish the ban touched the rest of the Earth and it's surrounding solar systems.  Drab graphics, Straight to DVD voice acting the game is barely playable and no fun at all.  Oh did I mention more minority deaths than a southern militia member's wet dream?  Techland, what was the point with the totally unnecessary driving portions.  Were they thrown in from a cancelled game titled "Swisher Run?"  By chapter two I got bored with the storyline and instead of my character being DEA; I imagined him being Karl Kani going on a rampage to rid the world of Fubu, South Pole and G-Unit wifebeaters.

These games and peripherals definitely have the scarlet letter of hot garbage all over them.  Do not give these as gifts.  Do not purchase them as gifts to yourself.  Do not listen to the siren song of the clearance rack.  The money you save is an illusion, the lack of enjoyment you will receive from these titles are not.  Trust me on this, I'm a professional hater.

Maybe You're Just An Asshole...Maybe I'm Just An Asshole?

Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits- William Shakespeare

Madden '12 Demo Impressions

I don't like Madden.

Let me rephrase that, I don't like what Madden has become in the last few years.   It seems that EASports would put more work into their marketing, than working on improving sore spots.
  The franchise has been EA's bottom bitch for quite some time.  The fake boobs don't defy gravity as well, the sole of her hooker boots are worn & you can set your watch to her outfits.  But when the clock strikes at the Cinderella hour, there's no doubt that the stroll will come alive.  Backseat after backseat Maddenia will serve you all...as long as you're paying.

Metaphors aside, Madden's acquisition of the exclusive NFL license and lack of improvements over the years has soured myself and a lot of other gamers, as overall first week sales have dropped the past two years.

I've been burned by Madden, and I've stated to anyone who will listen that I won't Art Shell out another $60 bucks until it looks like Tiburon is actually making some effort to improve the game, instead of taking the microwave burrito route and putting "now with more beans" on the label.  I believe this is a make or break game both for EA and sports gamers. EA can't risk losing even more sales from gamers who would rather wait for the exclusive NFL contract to expire so another dev can get a turn behind center.

Disclaimer: I am an unapologetic hater.  I can admit that, but I am not a blind hater.  My opinions are not swayed by fanboy delusions. 

The demo starts, simple enough.  Options to start the demo, video features to show what's new this year.  Typical stuff.  I was slightly irked to be greeted by another loading screen to start the actual demo.  The demo showcases the Chicago Bears vs. the Green Bay Packers.  I was born in a Mike Ditka sweater vest (God forgot the mustache and I'm still waiting for it 32 years later) so it's Bears all day.  Not sure if the Goodyear blimp read "Ice Cube's a pimp," but it did display a packed Soldier Field.  From the jump it looks like the presentation is getting closer to television standards.  Taken down to the field we see Staley Da Mascot hype up the crowd as the Bears run out of the tunnel.  Player models look great., and so does the grass.  There seems to be an increase in player chatter also. The demo does not contain commentary.

Gameplay at it's core hasn't changed much.  They've moved the pre-snap adjustments to the d-pad, which is a welcome change in my opinion.  Receiving the ball first, I call a couple of run plays to check out the blocking interactions.  I'm happy to say that I didn't notice any type of suction blocking between lines.  The physics engine we've been hearing about is not a myth.  Double hit tackles are in the building.  I was able to thread the needle between two defenders for a 73 yard touchdown to Devin Hester.  "Bear Down" plays as the football splits the uprights.  Nice touch.

For a long time, being a player on the defensive side of the ball was a frustrating experience.  Especially if you like playing the defensive line.  Feeling like getting to the QB was more about luck.  Either you got around a lineman or you were caught in suction unable to move.  In the time I played defense, I was able to hurry Aaron Rodgers into some bad throws, and even a sack.  A few highlights from the first half are shown after time has run out, more presentation polish.

I was unable to complete the whole game, as I was already running late for work.  Madden 12 seems to be on the right track.

The Incredible Tangent Man is DEAD.

Yes you are reading that correctly.  Deceased, expired, passed away.  No more continues and the airbrushed t-shirts are already being made in a kiosk at Ford City.

Maybe that was a bit harsh, but it sounded so much cooler than "Yes, Melanin Brooks is selling out!"  Doesn't have the same ring to it.  Anyway fuck the funny gifs, and "Nerd Alley" and the biting wit....you won't be finding it here anymore.  What will you find in it's place you ask?  Great question!

• nigga shit


• nigga shit


• nigga shit


• nigga shit


• nigga shit


• some gossip shit


• some shit you seen on the innanet 200 place before


• mo' nigga shit


• someone ass being kicked


• nigga shit on a horse


• frontlaces


• Fake Jordans


• And a few surprises.

I'm taking this blog towards it's destination of being the next MediaTakeOut/Worldstarhiphop!  Bringing you the latest news on people you'll give a fuck about in five years.

Now I now this change in format will alienate many of my readers *Gillie Face* (no more gifs...I'm not playing.) But I feel this is the proper move for progress.  The domain name will remain unchanged.  Because I'm too lazy to come up with something new.

In closing, I hope you all will support the new Incredible Tangent Man, just as you have the old....or continue to disregard as most of you have been doing already.

Skyzoo: The Definitive Prayer

You can't put Skyzoo and "up and coming" in the same sentence any longer.  I've been a fan of Sky since "Cloud 9: The 3 Day High."  I discovered him at a time where I was picking up everything that had 9th Wonder production (sounds Stannish I know,  good music is addictive.)  Browsing YouTube, I ran across "Way to Go" and I've been a fan of dude since.

Enough talk, "The Great Debater" drops June 7th. In the meantime, listen to Sky carve up David Axelrod's "Holy Thursday."

Osama bin Common

Let's play a game of word association, hip hop style. I'll type a word & you tell me the first artist that comes to mind. Ready?

Gangsta

.

.

.

Ok good alright, next one...Swag....

.

.

.

Hot damn, that's on the money....this one's going to trip you up.

Vile.

.

.

.



.

.

.





OUT MY POST RIGHT NOW!

I wish I were writing this in jest. Cop killing/bitch slapping/Political assassin Lonnie Lynn is coming to the White House!

Oh lawdy lawdy what is Americuh going to do! Does the White House have a limit on how many black folks can be within it's walls at a certain time? Like the only 3 kids inside the corner store rule?

All this uproar is coming from the Def Poetry Jam performance below.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LssFolrpiD4?rel=0]

Now I can say without hesitation, that a large majority of the Fox audience had no clue or cared to know who Common is.  To the white media, all rappers are gangster rappers let them tell it (unless they're using hip hop to sell products.)  They had to RREEEEEACH back almost four years to find this!  I know a part of your demographic loves fishing, but damn!  I think Reed Richards would tear a ligament.  Just another way to keep eyes  away from the real issues.  Eyes up, so you don't see the snakes slithering at your feet.

This is totally opposite of the treatment Eazy E received (excerpt taken from Jerry Heller's Ruthless:

"Because (Easy E) contributed his time and money to a South Central charity event, his name got cherry picked by the eternally vigilant fundraising apparatus of the Republican Party. A computer has no judgement. It doesn't care if you are a respected dope dealer, a violent agitator for minority rights, or one of the vocalists on a song called "Fuck Tha Police." Or all three.

"The Republicans understand money and the computer understands the slow grind of numbers. A huge Cray mainframe in Silver Springs, Maryland, picked up the scent of a twenty five thousand dollar contribution made to one (Easy E) of Westlake, California. That scent excited GOP cash glands. The Cray spit out the form letter invitation to said (Easy E) and we were off to have lunch with (President Bush, 41).

"...As it turned out, we had a pretty okay time. We ate poached salmon and roast beef. (Easy E) sat next to a woman from Dallas, who I would bet had never mixed socially with a person of color before in her long and well-heeled life. I expected her to start talking about 'the problem of the Negro.' I think she was actually afraid to look at the short African-American next to her, so she didn't notice that (easy E's) eyes looked like a couple of all-black marbles.

"Nobody's been that stoned in the White House since Gerald Ford's kid Jack smoked dope on the White House roof. And Easy had better weed that Jack Ford ever did."

At the end of it all there is a lemming mentality.  These bloggers,  those who reply to the blogs have had their minds made up for a long time.  Inviting a rapper to the White House is just another reason to hate a president they already despise.  Hot button topics for the 2012 election...the budget, the middle east and rappity rap niggas in the White House.

Common and controversy should never be used in the same sentence, unless "crochet pants" is in there someplace.  GOP stop doing that y'all are violatin' straight up and down!

Here's some more of Common's hate filled music, for those of you who crawled from under the Murdoch nutsack this morning.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7uBvbfHQLc?rel=0&w=480&h=390]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbbRrNHJ4Lg?rel=0&w=480&h=390]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmDybzfNBG0?rel=0&w=480&h=390]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C99iG4HoO1c?rel=0&w=480&h=390]

I.R. #4080

It’s cost us a lot. Not even time, not even money, but it’s cost us a lot. It’s part of your life, it’s dedicated this purpose. And there are so many rewards that can’t be counted in money that come about from doing something that you love to do. So I’m so glad to be here today.

This quote comes from my father Keith during an interview himself & the rest of The Green Berets had with Jezebel Music.  I've read the interview before, but that quote blindsided me today.  I had complete intentions to make this post completely about the Berets' contribution to music, and how I'm proud of my father & uncles (which I still will.)  I need to take this detour right fast.

I've had success pegged incorrectly.  That it's more tangibility than legacy.  The zeroes in an account rather than priceless moments.  More time invested in self than spent treadmilling for a boss.  Now if you were to ask if I thought I were successful right this second, I'd tell you no in a blink.  I have the recipe, my ingredient list contains more red slashes today than yesterday.  Just some tweaks & a dollop of luck and I will savor the sweet scent.  Just know the shotty blows if you try and take it off my window sill while it cools.



My father had a song hit Billboard.  How crazy is that?  No he didn't make a lot of (or any) money singing or writing credits.  Yes he did fall victim to the shadiness of the music industry, but I can't remember him being bitter about it.  He didn't walk like the world owed him something.  He doesn't have the aura of a should of would have could have.  Never did I have to wonder if I would be a vessel to the vicarious...that isn't in him.  What he does have is a number of people who can recite his songs word for word, and the memories they evoke even 40 years later.  A flash in the pan could never leave an indelible mark.  I may be crazy, but that sounds like success to me.  Thank you for another lesson, I hope to be at least half the person you are (you make it seem so easy.)

Here are a few vids of my fam doing what they do best  live from Southpaw NYC.

Death and a Party Planner

Mission accomplished!

United States armed forces have finally found Waldo Carmen Sandiego Mew Osama bin Laden, and hit him with dem hollows.

It's a celebration bitches! High five someone you don't know, make out with a stranger, buy a homeless druggie some heroin...happy days are here again!  Terrorism is finally over!  No more colored alerts, never again will I have to be wary about being part of a Michael Bay caliber explosion, or having my nuts fondled by alien hands in rubber gloves.  And that whole Patriot Act thing...kill it with fire it's no longer needed!

Muslims in America, you no longer need to fear bigotry & stereotypes.  The elimination of bin Laden has replaced "Islamaphobia" with tolerance in the hearts of Americans who had no clue what you believe, but were scared shitless of you anyway.  Join the parade! Yes there will be punch and pie at the end of the route.

The troops that are on the way home as I type this can parachute down on the planned picnic, holding sparklers & puppies.  It'll be fucking sweet!

Transportation?  Nooooo problem right Wal Mart Rollback smiley face?

    You got it boss!  No more playing the food or fill up game at the pump.  Gas up that guzzler, then come and spin donuts in the parking lot!  Don't worry we'll drill for more. First 100 folks to fill up, get to clean off a seagull!

How can you not join in on the jubilee?  Sanitary seagulls son!  Not to mention all the freedom & justice we have now that bin Laden is gone from this Earth...that is why you celebrated his demise the past few days right?

*listens*

Ok...

*listens some more*

I see....

*words words words*



So you're saying they're partying because he's dead, and nothing is going to chance more than likely because of it?  People  will still fear all terrorists are Muslim and all Muslims are terrorists?  That my testicles aren't safe from grabby TSA employees?  That gas prices will more than likely be even worse once the summer hits?

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="255" caption="Yup."][/caption]

Fuck this post:

Dumb Shit A Celebrity Said

Oh hai Ashley...I see you've got a book there.  What's that?  It's YOUR memoirs...awesome.  You must have lived one hell of a life there lady.  Drugs? No wai! Dysfunctional family? Shit aren't all families dysfunctional?  I'm sure you didn't spend your whole memoir talking about how shitty you think your family was in all their stoned dysfunction right?  You had to fill out the rest of the pages somehow right? How did you do it?

As far as I’m concerned, most rap and hip-hop music – with its rape culture and insanely abusive lyrics and depictions of girls and women as ‘ho’s’ – is the contemporary soundtrack of misogyny.

I'm going to attempt to be civil.  But because of all the rap & hip hop music that's passed my ears I don't think that will be possible.  I'm having a hard time not typing out "make me a sammich hoe."  Because you know what Ashley rape & misogyny till Doggystyle was released in my formative years.  Diddy...well...he invented the remix....AND RAPE! (take that take that take that.)  I will only love a woman for her vagina, credit score & how well she keeps my books up when I eventually go to prison.

If you didn't realize I was being a sarcastic asshole above, you're reading the wrong blog.  Maybe Tyrese's new flip book is more your speed.

I can't pretend as if there aren't misogynistic lyrics in rap.  Saying it encourages rape culture is going quite far into shock quotes.   I can be pretty sure Ms. Judd has no clue of the artists out there making music that is not disrespecting women.  Either that or she's using the oldest trick in the book.   It's not as if no other genre of music or group of musicians has ever made "smack a bitch" music.

Stones did it



Beatles did it too.



Quoted from The Beatles "Run For Your Life"

Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or I won't know where I am

You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl

Oh it's so wholesome!  "If you leave me, I'll kill you!"  Makes "we don't love dem hoes" look like a handshake.  I'm not saying one justifies the other, but don't put hip-hop on the altar to sell your book.

4.6.11

Bottled messages. Bottled emotions.

Fermenting to the point of being toxic.  Proof positive that this vessel with drift forever unclaimed.

Nerves frayed,  exhausted because I've hung by a thread for more than a score.

A rolling stone...rolling stoned.  The high leaves before I arise, but the lows shack up and reproduce.

Faith? Who has the time for belief? I'll take a wish sandwich to go.

Trials & Errors

I'm about to lay something heavy on you all.  Dropping that Steve Harvey science on cats....

Don't leave!  I was just joking!  There will be no more mentions of the best Family Feud host ever...or hardcore anal sex.

Now, back to this Wile E. Coyote boulder of revelation I'm holding, let me drop it on the one....

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="632" caption="I told you it was huge...#thatswhathesaid"][/caption]

Relationships are hard fucking work!   Nothing wrong with a strong ethic, but it's somewhere between rocket science & gator wrestling.  Mymind & heart read from the  same book, but comprehend the words differently.  Me experiences zero gravity....then you put your comfort zone in storage.  That's just the easy part.

Being in love doesn't bar you from making mistakes.  If you knew that already, I didn't get the memo.  Being perfect for her, means being imperfect for her as well.  I was struggling with the idea of my "perfect imperfections" as she puts it.  That just wasn't enough for me I wanted to be perfect perfect.  I needed subtract the mistakes, the hurt feelings & the sadness.  I saw these as impurities ripe for purging.  "She doesn't deserve your mistakes, Jason she's better than that" I'd tell myself after every fumble.  Feeling like the dejected QB who threw the interception that cost my team the championship (Shoutout to Rex Grossman.)  I know I make it sound like I had a fuck up assembly line, but far as I am concerned one is too many.

I know for a fact that the scale tips heavier on the side of the right things I've done in this relationship, but I've been conditioned in a way.  In the past I was accustomed to having every transgression thrown in my face the minute it could be used to keep me in line so to speak.  Not the way to live my friends.  Now, I don't have to be fearful of the Flea Flicker play that is pretend to forgive & not forget.   Forgiveness cannot be Indian given (totally un-PC I know.)  Coping is a different ballgame, but I know when she says "we're cool" It's another step up heaven's stairway for us.

James Baldwin once said “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”  We brawl with insecurities, cross swords with miscommunication and hold the fort against the barrage of mistrust.  We fight because it's worth it.  I fight because you're worth it.  Evidence that what man dreams, can become so real.  I'm saying thank you...with my chest.

Thoughts from a Waiting Room

Waiting room silence....between a dead cell phone and a television doing it's best impression of a painting.  I'm made to focus on the hideous carpeting choices made by their decorator.  The best way to describe it's ugly?  Tapeworm orgy.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="401" caption="Instead of actually posting a tapeworm, I decided to NOT gross my readers out. Instead I post the greatest of all worms: Earthworm Jim"][/caption]

 

I shouldn't be concentrating on the click of the air freshener.  Fighting it's muted war against the foul odored.  How many have sat in waiting room pews?  Houses of healing.  Silent prayers, divine requests for the unseen to guide the tangible straight and true.   No one wants to hear a surgeon exclaim "oh shit" with a scalpel in one hand & a portion of your insides in the other.  Forgiveness is God's eraser, but lawsuits are drawn in ink, and so are settlement checks.

Malpractice is just a word until your temple crumbles from shoddy workmanship....