This Isn't About Me

My enthusiasm was curbed. There it waited unused, unwanted.  Brutalized and oxidized by the cruel urban air.  Windows smashed...Panic grips me in an uncomfortable embrace.  I rummage through my glove compartment with a panhandler's effciency to find desire missing as well.

Shit.

Who do I call?  Who would help me?  We all know 911 is  joke, my hope to regain what I lost, what I neglected buoys and will soon sink, and form the shattered dreams barrier reef.

Shit.

Calling friends.  Most of them are going through the same thing.  Trapped in mediocrity.  Our own personal Gitmos, made of clothed half walls, draped in memos & memories.  Nine to fives. Working so hard for so much but for so little at once.  Forgetting the sun even exists.   Sky high, but the elevator might as well let out at the 7th level of hell.  Who says hell is below?  I exist there at this moment... and fire and brimstone it is not.

The desperate man pages God urgent when he needs a quick hook-up.  Scratch my back, and I'll follow you for the rest of my living days.  Holy and acceptable.  Best believe I am in need, but I refuse to look towards the heavens.

Cloudy with a chance of blasphemy.

I can't shake my fist at an invisible (and possibly non-existing) deity.  This is my cross to bear (see what I did there.)  My Golgotha awaits to be conquered.  I will regain what I allowed to be taken. Arisen and prepared to fill my true lane in life.  Not to build a corporation's portfolio, but mine alone.

Fuck your couch.

Do animals know fear?  Does a young bird, even for a split second, think about death as it's mother pushes it from the nest?  As it plummets to earth will it's life flash before it's eyes?  Or does it just act?

Fly or die....sink or swim...which one shall I choose?

I'm ready.  I am replinished.  I am a phoenix unafraid of the fire.  Since when have you seen one scorch it's own wings?

Randomizing

Destiny does not care that it has veered you off the road.  It could care less that you moan & bitch that life isn't fair.  You can yell to the heavens, sky write or carve a message into our moon with a James Bond villain's laser.  Declaring how your current plight holds you back.  Holds you down.  Keeps you awake at night.  It will tell you and the billion something other people on Earth the exact same thing....

"I'm just doing my job."

We control nothing. As much as our nature wants us to believe we're behind the wheel of Optimus Prime.  Kicking metal-ass and taking names.  It's so beyond you or I.   It's not checkers OR chess.  Planning ahead feels useless.  Unless you have some a cauldron of glowing radiant liquid showing the rewards or consequences.   Life's ill, sometimes it's just the sniffles; other times it's typhoid.  Bundle up and put some Tussin on it.  Get well soon.

I thought about hummingbirds this morning.  Surprisingly I found  similarities between them & I.  Hummingbirds can flap their wings at anywhere between 12 and 90 times per second, this allows them to get to the nectar in flowers needed to sustain.  In motion the beating of wings looks effortless, graceful even.  The avian does not hover and dart to impress, it does it to live.  The hummingbird sees the beautiful spectrum, smells the aromas but it's only food to them.  Stopping to smell the flowers is a necessity for survival.

We all hover, darting in between sustenance & true happiness.  Sacrificing the latter for the former more times than not.  We miss out, concentrate on the finger if you will instead of all the heavenly glory (thanks Bruce.)  Let's stop to smell the flowers as if we need them to survive.  Replenish our aspirations,  work towards greatness and try not to be eaten by a spider crab.

I write about myself quite a bit.  No I'm not vain, it's just the easiest way for me to open up to you.  I've heard friends use the words shy, quiet & somewhat cryptic to describe me.  Do I have a wall up?  Sure, who doesn't?  Mine for a long time just had a moat with sharks, gun turrets, a trap door hidden under the "Welcome" mat, a company of ninjas and a trained attack dog named "Maurice."  I just found it hard to trust and/or depend on people.  Alone and a loner for quite some time, and that mentality kept me that way.  Fear is a saboteur, a mole for the enemy.  I've decided to demolish the wall, and fight it sword to sword.  I want to look it dead in the eye while I conquer it.

Life Is Viral

I'm convinced our lives are a viral video waiting to happen.  From the simple cute baby dancing to "The Stanky Leg" or an individual proving Darwin's theory correct channeling the ghost of Super Dave Osbourn (wait, he's not dead...) someone is watching.

We are in the lens daily, so much so we barely notice most times.  Cameras on the light poles, on stop lights, cell phones.  Seems like there are cameras to watch the cameras.  I just hope when I'm being snooped upon, they get my good side (that's the left side by the way.)

Seems as 2009 the internet has captured the worst of humanity. From dumb ass rappers who spend more time boasting and bragging instead of rapping, to teabaggers showing their true racist colors, it's been a face palm type of year.  Seeking to be immortalized in a Google search with "dumbass" or "bigot" as a keyword isn't a legacy I want to leave behind.

Then there is Derrion Albert

This incident, as all other tragedies in our communities, is heartbreaking in itself.  When I heard there was footage of the actual brawl, I refused to watch it.  To me it was a snuff film.  I would be watching a young black male DIE.  I would also be witness to the worst my people have to offer.  Just all of this anger, striking someone down and extinguishing their spark.  No love, no remorse...now five families will be scarred forever.

We have to be careful with how much time we spend on watching other people's lives.  We may find ourselves lacking our own memories and milestones.  Life & experience passing by. While we LOL  time runs out then you're SOL.

Live & breath.  Get connected.  Show love.