Title? Who Needs It?

Talk about a funk.  It seems that your boy has taken a quick vacation to the Doldrums.  I'm just worn down and tired of the grind.  I guess I can point blame directly at myself for feeling the way I do. It's not quite sadness, or full on anger.  I am definitely in a valley. Either I can set camp up and settle in the low, possibly for the rest of my life; or I journey through until I find that foothold.  I've already convinced myself it will be the latter.

I knew something was wrong when my lady seriously told me: "I haven't heard you laugh in days."  Life lacking in laughter is not living at all.  I've tried to pinpoint exactly when I took this turn down this dark road.  Shortcuts turn into the scenic route, and I am not having that at all.

It all started with a dream, early Tuesday (or Weds.) morning.  Let me explain something firstly.  More times than not, whatever I may vision in slumber fades quite quickly from my memory.  I've never been able to figure out why.  Does my conscious deem these  insignificant?  I used to dream vividly.  Things became too real, so I guess my mind just sort of started recycle binning my dreams. (Found an article here that explains things.)

This dream I was in a city, maybe it was Chicago but I don't know.  I was familiar with it that's for sure.  Going about normal grown folk business.  In my travels I run into my best friend.  I don't have many people I'd consider friends, but Thief as he came to be called (long story) is a best friend.  I haven't seen him in years, but we spoke maybe a few months ago.  In the dream we are hanging out like we never missed a beat.  I recall us waiting on a bus, destination unknown, when he said something to me.  He says "Live life, because you never know what's going to happen."  Then I look in his direction and see a gunman running behind him.  I attempt to yell, but the louder I scream, the more nothing comes out.  I try to move, but I'm totally disabled.  The only thing that seems to work properly were my ears.  I could hear the shots, and I could hear his body slump to the concrete.  Then and only then was I able to mobilize against this masked assassin.  I awoke before my fate was decided, and minutes before my alarm went off to start my day.

And here we are now.  Any other time, this grisly scene would have been forgotten by me days ago.  Yet it's still lingering, and I feel this is affecting my mood.  The problem is I don't know what this dream means.  I've done some googling (giggity) on dream interpretation, and I found this:

To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.

Of course I'm lacking in areas, but I guess my sub-conscious needed me to realize it again.  That nightmare punched me right in the fucking gut.  Yes, I'm not content with where my adult life is.  Yes, I'd rather write or be creative seven days out of the week than a cubicle monkey for the next 20 plus years.  Yes, I miss being in love with someone who truly deserves it.

So, what the fuck are you going to do about it Jason?  Stop rolling with the punches, and throw some hooks out there.  Sharpen that edge, refine your mind.  You love your art, now start loving yourself just as much.  Maybe ten times more, it will show in your work.  A setback is only defeat if you hang your hat on it.  You aren't living this existence alone...you have the illest support group on the face of EARTH.

A leap of faith should not be made while thinking "what's going to happen to me when I hit the ground."  I'll admit, I lack faith in lots of things, myself especially.  But the leap has been made, and you're reading it...I hope.  If not, you will be when it's greater later.  I'm not worried or afraid of the ground anymore.  Let it be the ground, while I become great.

Peace.