Compelled

2 in one day, my stamina is on point lol.

I don't know what I want (or need) to write, I just felt like I needed to write something.  Blame it on the green, blame it on the rain...blame it on my ever rambling mind.

There was a time I didn't love life.  I was in a shitty relationship, jobless, overweight and just wholly unhappy.  I was low, bowing to earthworms giving the weeds that grew in sidewalk cracks pounds.  My low self esteem became a tool of manipulation, my confidence spoke to me in a whisper "She's the best you can do."  It was a sad scene, the world's longest & lonliest pity party.  Wearing the happiness mask, and the visibility sucked.  Helpless? P'shaw, I felt like I hung myself up on the hook to be slaugthered.  Then shit started to change.  I started to change.

A dear friend and I had a somewhat drunken talk about my situation.  I don't remember everything that was said, but I came away with one thing...she told me to, and I quote to "put your dick out there."  I know that sounds crude, but here's what she meant.  P.Y.D.O.T. (yes I made it an acronym if you don't like it K.I.M. and F.A.Y.B.A.N) is basically a call for confidence.  I believed in all of the wrong things, just because I was a victim of some bullshit doesn't mean I should act like one.  Walk like you got the biggest dick in the room, but do it quietly....

I did a lot of thinking in the days after that party.  Lot of inside looking and mirror staring I guess.  Whatever other cliches they use for self evaluations...I noticed one thing.

I talked a lot about what I needed to do, but I would rarely follow through.  It's sobering when you discover you are a part of why your life is the way it is.  Was rather.  In short, I got reacquainted with my own skin and realized how perfect it fit.  The ingredients were there, I just had to execute the recipe.

Some would consider me a late bloomer.  Sure, that's alright with me.  I'd rather be growing than wilted any day.